Hello Again!

I am officially in Milledgeville, GA...I've been here for almost three weeks now!

The adjustment has been a bit rough, but my faith is getting stronger as the days pass. It is hard, but I know that this is a part of my destiny now and God is going to help me make it work.

I enjoy my classes. The tricky part is just finding balance with everything. When I get a job, this will be even harder, but it is nothing I haven't done before.

This is real now...it's real, and my hope for the coming weeks is mainly that my confidence will rise higher and higher, and my trust in God becomes stronger, for He is ultimately the captain of my ship.

I'm BA-ACK!!!

Note, these are in backwards order.
6/12: Pike's Market a couple hours before we had to go to the airport.
6/11: Me on board one of the Washington State Ferries, which was headed for Whidbey Island.
6/10: The beach and forest pictures are both from Olympic National Park. I pose on a rock at Ruby Beach and later I wandered about the Hall of Mosses in the Hoh Rainforest.










6/9: One of the stops we made in Oregon was Seaside, the final stop of Lewis and Clark's 19th Century expedition across the U.S.
6/8: Me in Portland, OR, the City of Roses

6/7: Snow at Mount Rainier National Park! 6/6: A totem pole by Victoria Harbor






6/5: Mount Rainier from the plane (It's impressive!)


Well, in actuality I've been back for a month now, but still...

Washington, Oregon, and British Columbia were AMAZING, to say the very least. I am about to go to sleep so here's the Cliff Notes version of my trip (although at least I'm putting a few pictures up!)

Day 1: Arrival-We didn't do much this day other than fly, although I did get a fantastic aerial view of Mount Rainier and I was fascinated by Washington State's law that fast food restaurants have to post calorie content on their drive-thru menus.

Day 2: This was the day I boarded the Victoria Clipper to Victoria, B.C. all by myself. What an experience! It was my first journey outside of the United States. It was also the farthest away I have ever been from anyone I know. Victoria was a beautiful city, and I would love to visit it again.

Day 3: While I loved Victoria on the first day there, I wasn't too fond of the drizzly rain. Luckily the following morning had some sunshine and so I enjoyed my remaining time there before I had to get on the ferry back to the U.S. When I arrived I met up with my parents. We made a brief stop at the Smith Tower in Seattle before heading off to Mount Rainier, which was an incredible and scenic drive. We stayed at the Paradise Inn at the base of the mountain, and it was like being in a winter wonderland.

Day 4: I spent the morning enjoying the fact that I was in more snow than Georgia could ever dream to see. Then we headed down to Portland, OR where we visited a rose garden before heading to the hotel to wait out the night while it rained.

Day 5: We finished Portland, seeing a couple more of the City of Roses sights (It's a lovely city by the way...really impressive). Then we headed to the coast, where we passed through Seaside (where I embraced the Pacific Ocean) and Astoria before heading back into Washington, where we stayed the night in Hoquiam (a sleepy gray town, but it grew on me as we left the next day).

Day 6: Leaving Hoquiam, we ventured into Olympic National Park, where the beaches were like nothing I've ever seen and the rain forests were just as amazing. It was raining, but it kind of set the tone so I loved it it. Afterwards we stayed at a hot springs resort and other than smelling like sulfur, it was really nice.

Day 7: Our last fully day, but it was just as eventful. After meeting a fellow HS alumna at the resort, we travelled out of Olympic through Port Angeles on our way to Port Townsend (a town which I saw from the ferry on my way to Victoria). We took a ferry to Whidbey Island from there, and we drove across Whidbey and took another ferry to the mainland, where we met up with my cousin and his girlfriend (he's stationed in WA at the moment). Then we drove back to Seattle.

Day 8: We woke up really early to get in a little more Seattle before it was time to go. I was sad to leave. The Pacific Northwest definitely left a great impression on my heart.

Way too short, but if I gave you every detail it would take forever to write. More soon. It's good to be back in business.

A Poem and Some Haikus

I wrote these not too long ago, but I somehow forgot to post them so here they are now.

You-1.26.2010
In darkness there is light
In blindness there is sight
In sorrow there is joy
Just as moral is in ploy

Sometimes I cry and moan
Sometimes I cry alone
Sometimes I cry, I'm mean
Sometimes I cry a scene

But though I feel sorrow
I have great hope for tomorrow
'Cause you will dry my tears
Because of you I have no fears

So I'll go through life's trials
Knowing you will give me piles
Of my dreams and wishes come true
And I know it's all because of you

I love you God.


And the Haikus, all of which were written 5.14.2010

Fear
Something is coming
A quiet ache fills my heart
Is that thing not fear?

Air
The wind in the trees
Creating a dancing breeze
Puts my mind at ease

Stars
Tiny pricks of light
Gleaming through an inky night
Stars, a wondrous sight

Heavy
Inching ever up
Hopelessness will consume me
All for obsession

Choice
A fork in my path
One to fortune, other, death
Which one shall I choose?

See
See through the blank stare
See a picture of a life
Clouded in mystery

Total Change of Plans

So, AZ is a no-go. Dad says "Next year." I say, "I'll have to live it to believe it."

The reason we are not going to AZ is because Mom decided she wants to go someplace she has never been. However, they made a deal with me so they and I will be going off to Seattle and Portland from June 5th to June 12th.

I will also be venturing to Victoria, BC (yes, in Canada!) on my own for one day to give them some time without me. They would be coming too, but they just applied for their passports and won't have them in time for the trip.

I am excited, but not as excited as I would have been if this trip had not replaced another trip. I wanted to go back to the state I was born so badly because I miss it so much, but I guess that will have to wait until next year. The Grand Canyon will still be there, and I will be just as eager to climb down it.

Besides, the drinking age in Canada is 19, so I think I might buy something there just because I can. =)

Troubles and Drama...

Almost lost my trip today. I really need to learn how to channel my negativity and jealousy to turn it into gold. Two weeks until AZ!

Eek!!!

Time is so slow...in one month I will be in Arizona!!!

Dad's making me go wild...we're going to be doing a lot for this trip and I am very very excited about the prospects!  As it turns out, he wants to visit more than I realized, so I am of course, incredibly excited!!!

In other news, I got my grades in, and everything was as expected.  All As and Bs!  Now I just have to get everything ready for GCSU and I'll be good to go.  I have Orientation on June 25th, five days after I get back home to GA.

Done.

So I'm officially halfway finished with my Bachelor's Degree!!!

It's been a crazy CRAZY week.  I wonder if I should have taken a little more time off from work for finals, but the fact of the matter is that I am finished.

I've had a nice couple of years at KSU, but now it's time to start a new adventure at GCSU.  I'm excited and at the same time scared out of my mind, but it's now or never.

Deux semaines...

Home from YHC!!!  It rained Saturday which sucked but at least I got to enjoy the company (and I managed to get a little schoolwork done as well).  Today, I could not stay so long as I had to hightail it to Gainesville.  My great-Aunt is turning 80 on Wednesday and her immediate family threw her a surprise party at her church.  It was very good to see everyone and catch up (We need to do so more often).

So the next two weeks (or rather week-and-a-half) will be rather hectic with my finals and all.  Also, I'm really getting down to the wire with all my GCSU stuff.  Starting with my next paycheck, I'm going to nip it in the bud and get everything reserved.  This is going to happen, and besides God, I'm the only one who can make it so.

In God's Hands

On the left: Emily, me, and Carissa prepare to go SKYDIVING!!!

I am happy to say that I took a risk and went SKYDIVING on Saturday, and it was unlike anything I have ever done or felt before.

Let me tell you, the sensation of skydiving does not become real until you are actually on that plane.  As it takes off, it finally hits you that it will not be landing with you on it.

The sensation of the actual dive is incredible.  As the group started their jumps, I was astounded as the plane quickly emptied out.  The girl before me went out quickly, and as she flipped out of the plane I had half a second to think "Oh no!  That's me in a couple seconds!" before I myself flipped out of the plane into my own dive.

You fall down crazy fast, more than 100 miles per hour, and honestly it felt like I was flying.  Even though I was falling thousands of feet, I felt lifted up and the sensation was definitely worth the pressure that my ears were feeling.  Falling so many feet, it was comforting to know that God was with me the entire time, and the winds rushing past me, giving me that flying sensation, gave me the impression that God was holding me up with giant hands.

The most uncomfortable part for me had to be the deployment of the parachute, but it just goes to show that sometimes doing the right thing for yourself is intense.  Yet once I settled down and got used to the harness, there was an amazing peacefulness in the air.  I was still very high up.  I remember at one point my instructor (his name was Mike) showed me that we were still 1500 feet up.  But it was peaceful, and the view was fabulous.  God was definitely with me.  How many people can say they've dropped thousands of feet and lived to tell about it?  Okay, okay, quite a few can, but definitely not everyone.

So...a little change of plans...

Oh my goodness!  In just three short weeks, I will be done with my core and halfway finished with college!!!

Really makes me wonder where the time went...

But there is also so much going on!  Skydiving on Saturday, YHC a week after that (I changed it to that weekend so I could spend the weekend there, although I have to go to Gainesville that Sunday for a little surprise for a family member), then finals and then job hunting and getting everything really really ready for GSCU in August!  Not to mention the mini-trip to Nashville and the big kahuna two-week trip across the country to Arizona.

Whoa!  Me, my little brother, and my Dad---driving across the country and all over AZ in an itty bitty mini-cooper named Sir Desmond Chips - How will I survive???  (I'm kidding!)

But seriously, a lot is happening in my life right now and I am actually quite terrified about all of the prospects, but I've got to do it.  I'll regret it if I don't.

-Jenn

Plans...plans...plans...

So...another busy week...so much to do and catch up on...

Day 7 will be up tomorrow on my other blog...it has been a lot for me to start doing this before my six months are up, but I'll give it my best!

So, lots of trips and mini-trips coming up!  I'm going up to YHC on the 17th (right after I go SKYDIVING!!!) to see Sarah Lynne and everyone and to do a little hiking before the semester is over.  I have to figure this one out but I'm looking to see if I could go to GCSU on the 23rd to do a little job hunting.  Also, we're heading up to Nashville in late May to see my cousin and her boys!  Dad wants to go to a concert up there that weekend and he thinks it would be better not to put Nashville into the AZ trip since its such a lofty trip already.

So...in the news...

I gave blood today, best time by far...quick and easy and I feel great!

Also, two tests this week, and thus far I made an A on the first one!

-Jenn

Discouragement...

First of all, Happy Easter!

Second, it was a terrible idea to give up my scale for lent.  I weighed myself this morning when I woke up and, even though I've been persistent as ever with my exercise, I gained all but 1 pound back from when I had my surgery.

That's 9 pounds in less than 2 months...

I'm trying not to give up on this, but it's really really hard.

Finally...

I have managed to survive this crazy stressful week...Only a month to go and then I'm out for the summer...

...Anyway, lots to look forward to this weekend. I'm going to the movies with Sarah Lynne, Naomi, and Symone tomorrow. And then on Saturday I'm going on a waterfall hike with NatureBound up in Helen. Then of course Sunday is Easter, and after relaxing for a bit I'll have to do some more studying but at least the weekend should help me bounce back...I have gotten less than 7 hours of sleep every night this week.

Sky-Diving!!!

I'm going!  April 17th!!!  I'm super-excited!!!

-Jenn

Vacation!!!

Dad and I have the dates for the AZ trip!!!

Conceivably, we're leaving June 6th and returning June 19th or 20th.  More details to come as soon as I get them.

The Missing Peace - My Own Revelation

"Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.'"

Luke 9:23-24

My relationship with Christ used to revolve around this single verse:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

I went to this church I have gone to a few times Friday night and Saturday morning for their Women's Day, and let me tell you, these past eighteen hours or so have changed my life in more ways than I would imagine.  I would write more but I have realized I am a bit tired so I am going to take a nap and I will return to this as soon as I wake up.

-Jenn

Edit: 9 hours later...

Ok, so I slept about 3 hours and then I went to the gym and later to the store, so that's why it's taken this long for me to update.

So I was pretty much exhausted, only 5-and-a-half hours of sleep last night.  The reason for which is simple.  I knew that there was no possible way I could make to commutes up to Marietta for both parts of Women's Day, so I was invited to spend the night at a house along with 15 other girls...so you know we stayed up pretty late.  I was a little strange for me to be there, because the girls were from all different campuses and I only knew the ones I had met at KSU.  But it was a great experience and Katey and Christy and their family was very gracious to open up their home to all of these girls.

So, to tell you how I was impacted I would have to tell you in person to fully get my point across.  But something struck me this women's day, something that finally allowed all of my confusion and convictions come into place.

Seeking God is how I ultimately find inner peace.

I don't think I truly began to understand what that meant until last night.  I have spent my entire life being afraid, and because of this fear hovering in my heart I have not allowed myself to live to my full potential; in fact, it has caused problems for me.  In addition to being afraid, I always fought to be accepted and to fit in--to belong...

...Well anyone who really truly knows me knows that I am a very unique individual.  Let's just say I'm...creative!

Even with my faith I was afraid.  I was afraid of my own convictions, afraid of my own beliefs and my own opinions, even if I expressed them aloud.  And I alleviated this pain simply by trying to convince myself that they were wrong...

But I never once gave it to God.  I did not fully trust him.  I did not take all of his story to heart.  I was focused on a single verse, because I thought all it takes to get to heaven is to accept Christ as your lord and savior.

...And maybe that is all it takes, but will that solve the problems and pieces that are missing from your life.  No, and that's where the rest of the Bible (especially the New Testament) comes in.  In about a week or so, I will have finished every book in the New Testament, and it is amazing what I have read; I cannot even describe it all because in reading everything so quickly it almost overwhelmed.  Therefore, I have decided that (starting with the New Testament) I am going to write a journal (which I will transfer into a second blog) about every chapter in the Bible, only this time I will move at a much slower pace so that I can reflect chapter by chapter, maybe 2 chapters per day, and strengthen my own convictions.

I do not believe that I have to be a disciple of Christ to earn God's love.  I already have that.  I have always had it and I always will.  There is no possible way anyone on this planet could ever pay God back for what he sent his son Jesus Christ to do for us.  However, I have realized that by studying the Bible and living my life staying true to the word, I can find some peace at long last as well as live the life that I meant to live.  I am doing this for my life now, because the journey through life on the way to heaven is hard, but with God on my side, I know that there will be battles, but ultimately, we'll win the war.  Luke 9:23-24 is right.  Living and walking with God, which is not an easy task, is the way find peace in life.  And I think the reason for this is because while life is always changing and letting us down and the like, God is not, and he is always here for us.  And that's why I want to put my life into God's hands.  I obviously have not done the best job with it, so let's see what God can do.

Update...

So yeah, it has been awhile since I've updated.  I'm just checking right now, but I promise a longer post either tomorrow or Friday.

Edit: So my nap today gave me a bit of insomnia, so I've decided to finish my update now rather than tomorrow.

So the last time I checked in on here was on February 24, and I'm wondering how I could have possibly let almost an entire month slip by me without updating this blog.  Not cool, so I'm going to try to be a little more faithful to it from now on.

So, taking a nice little trip back in time, I was pretty stressed out over my midterms.  My paranoia was hitting me big time, and I was acting like I was failing all of my classes.  My grades could be better of course, but they are not too bad.  I nearly had a panic attack over my Comparative Politics midterm.  I threw the final essay portion and the professor didn't specify how many points it was worth, so I spent the following weekend thinking that I had failed the exam.  Fortunately, this was not the case, and I found out that I actually almost made a B on the exam.  Not too shabby, I'll study harder next time and bump up the average, but fortunately for me the grade isn't all tests (I hate those kinds of classes).  Next up was French.  It was the Thursday before Spring Break and I was freaking out over the previously mentioned Comparative Politics grade.  The professor handed those grades out right before I had to take my French midterm (well, it wasn't a midterm exactly but it was a unit test).  Anyway, she had left my exam in her office by mistake so I would have to take my french test and then come see her afterwards for the grade.  Now, remember that I had been freaking out before over whether or not I had failed that particular test, so I was incredibly freaked out at this point.  I almost cried, and I went into French and everyone could see sheer panic on my face.  But I still had to take the French test, on which I made a C.  It's really strange.  Lately, I have not done so well as far as test-taking goes, but I think that was just due to stress.  I love French and my professor sees my enthusiasm but he wants me to channel it into good test scores.  Tests aren't worth as much in the class so I'm not worried; I just want to do better because I know that I can.  Science did not go so well either, another C, but really that's all just study issues and I think I'll let work know to take it easy on me with the hours during finals week so that I can do a super awesome job.

Now, there was one mid-term I did not mention, and that's because I took it on Tuesday, and that was for world lit.  The reason this midterm took place after the break was because we had a bit of a snow day the Tuesday before Spring break and evening classes were cancelled.  So my professor moved the midterm.  I think it went pretty well.  It was all essay, but I'm usually pretty good at getting most of my points across on those kinds of things.

Anyway, back to Spring Break.  I took the Friday that Spring Break started off and went horseback riding with Nature Bound.  Now, I can remember every single time I have ridden a horse, and that's because this trip was my third time.  The first time I rode a horse was in Oregon when I was five years old and the second time was when we went to visit one of my Mom's coworkers at her farm and I was ten back then.  So, being almost twenty and seeing that I had not ridden a horse for ten years, I was a little bit nervous.  My horse's name was Sadie (and you can see here in the picture up there) and she was quite the stubborn girl.  I paid attention to the instructor but for some reason Sadie did not want to move!  It was so embarrassing.  Finally, I was able to get her going, and overall it was a good ride.  I was not nervous at all really except for when she would start galloping while we were making our way down a hill (That was a bit scary!) but it was cool and we even got to trot a little bit through some snow!  Now towards the end I experienced a life-or-death moment when Sadie's back hoof slipped into the mud and I could feel myself going backwards-that was absolutely terrifying!  But she got back on her feet and we made our way back to the stable.

Now, the next day was the day before my birthday so I had to continue my birthday celebrations.  Naomi took me out to take some pictures which she is going to develop as a part of my birthday present.  Then we picked up Symone and went to Atlantic Station to see Alice in Wonderland (which was amazing by the way!)  I loved going to Atlantic Station.  After the movie we went to Old Navy and I ran into one of the girls from the daycare I work at (She had gone to the same movie and I was so excited to see her; I love seeing the kids from the daycare out and about!)  I also bought a fabulous purple polka-dotted dress which shows off my calves (which look pretty good now-it's awesome to see what God is doing for my body without being obsessed with the number on the scale).  Anyway, after that we went to this awesome burger place where Nae knew someone who worked there and had burgers.  Now, you might be thinking, "Jennifer, you don't eat beef or pork, so how can you find enjoyment at a burger place?"  Well, this burger place is probably one of the most fabulous places I've ever been to!  It's called Flip-Burger Boutique, and they have all sorts of burgers, from regular beef burgers to turkey burgers, to shrimp burgers, and more!  I had a wild mushroom burger (and it was yummy yummy!) and that was followed by a nutella and toasted marshmallow milkshake (which had a little candle in it because it was my birthday!)  The best part was that Naomi's friend gave us our milkshakes for FREE!!!  Her Mom joined us at the burger joint and we had lots of fun because we weren't just celebrating my birthday, we were celebrating hers too (it's the day after mine)

So Sunday was my actual birthday, and I went to church to see some friends there that I have met at KSU and who have helped me in my journey to grow closer to Christ.  They took me out to Marietta Diner after church and we enjoyed it.  I had never been to Marietta Diner before, and let me tell you, the food is AMAZING!!!  After lunch we split a nice big piece of Tiramisu cake but even between four of us we could not finish it!  After the diner my friends had to go, so I headed over to Sarah Lynn's house for a minute to say hi and to meet her Mom (we were having a sleepover that Friday).  I lost track of time and then I realized I had to get over to Naomi's house because we were going to talk to Amanda on skype.  We were both running late but we were able to chat with Amanda and she told us about what she is doing in South Africa and she also showed us the cat who lives with her (she showed off Naomi's Kitty and Twiggy too!), and Ella popped in to say hello as well.  After that, I went back home to blow out my birthday candles.  My Mom could not find a 2 and a 0 so she gave in and got me 20 individual candles.  I blew them all out on the first try!  After that I worked out and had a nice rest of my birthday.

The next morning I went down to GCSU to talk to advisors and such about the upcoming school year when I transfer down there.  I found out that I will be a Political Science major concentrating in international affairs, so now everything that I wanted to do is within one major (Yay!)  Plus, everything will transfer and while I still have a lot to do, I am excited about going down there.  After I was finished, Cas met up with me and showed me around the school a little bit and we went out for lunch.  I wanted to stay a little bit longer but I really had to get back to Atlanta because I had to work an afternoon shift.

The rest of my week pretty much revolved around work, although on Friday I spent the night with Sarah Lynne and the next day we went bowling.  We also went to this super awesome playground near her house and I realized when we got there that I had been there before!  My Dad took me and my siblings there once a long time ago when we were all kids!  After saying good bye to Sarah Lynne, I went back to Smyrna to sit for two sisters from a daycare, and I had a blast taking care of them for a few hours!

The next few days were stressful due to schoolwork and such.  Keep my campus in your prayers for a girl was found dead beside the Central Parking Deck the morning classes started back.  She was only twenty years old.  We don't know if she committed suicide yet but we do know that her death was caused by a fall from the deck.

As for right now, I need to go to bed.  But the weekend is almost here and for now, the greater hurdles and challenges are over.

Oh, avant que j'oublie (Before I forget), it's still on the drawing board, but it looks like my Dad, my brother, and I are going to be taking a two-week road-trip to Arizona this June!  I am so excited!  It's not totally official yet but my Dad and I are working together and the plan is to drive to Nashville to see my cousin Holly and her boys before driving westward to New Mexico and Arizona.  The best part is that by driving we can probably go to both Phoenix and Tucson so if that happens I'll be able to see all the relatives!

MID-TERMS!!!! And oh, the possibilities!

MID-TERMS ARE HERE!!!!!

And my first one is in just over fifteen hours!!!

Also, I made up my mind about Costa Rica.  My transfer is more important right now.  Getting to GCSU is what will benefit me in the long run, but when I do start to travel, I will DEFINITELY travel.

Speaking of, there is a possibility of an actual vacation for me this summer (and after four years of being stuck in the South, I'll be set free!  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed).  The idea is to do Northern New Mexico and Northern Arizona, as well as Phoenix so I can see some of the family.  I am praying this works out.  I have not been back home in such a long time and I miss it dearly.

-Jenn

Cloudland Canyon and the Costa Rica Conundrum

Hello! Hello!

It's getting warmer!

So I went on a camping trip to Cloudland Canyon this weekend, and it was great!  It was kind of cold, but not unbearable, and it was also incredibly pretty.  God makes his world beautiful regardless of the season, as I could clearly see as I gaped in awe at all the icicles and the waterfalls and the amazing views from the top and bottom of the canyon.  The photos posted here are my favorites, but you can see the others on my facebook profile.

Now, the conundrum I encountered during the weekend was that I heard about Nature Bound's trip to Costa Rica this June.  It's an awesome deal, but could I do both Costa Rica and transfer to GCSU?  It's hard because I really really really want to leave the country and start seeing the world, but at the same time I have to go to school and I don't know how much longer I can take living at home.  I need to get to GCSU and start a new phase of my life.  It's confusing!

Regardless of what I decide to do, I have decided to join Nature Bound.  Even though I am leaving to go to GCSU, I should still try to break the ice and do something at Kennesaw while I am still here.  Besides, this makes the wait for GCSU seem a little shorter.  I am just ready to be there, but at least I can have some fun while I wait.

In other news, I will be 20 years old in just two weeks!  I cannot believe it, although at same time I'm thinking that they set the drinking age at 21 just to torture us when we turn 20, the true milestone birthday.  It's crazy to think that I won't be a teenager anymore, but at the same time I am crazy excited because this is the decade in which I will truly grow up and become who I want to be.  It's going to be really tough, but I know that I can get through all of this.

-Jenn

Le week-end

So I'm a little nervous for the weekend.  I'm going backpacking/camping and it's going to be cold.

Cold and me are not too chummy with each other.

On another note, tomorrow is Tuesday, or Mardi Gras, which means one more day before I make my sacrifice for lent, and what am I giving up this year?

My scale.  I am going to try to trust God with my weight-loss endeavors.  Here's to a much lower number on Easter morning, if that's what God allows!

Greetings from Snowy Georgia!!!

Other than a bit of driving I had to do yesterday, it could have been a fairy tale.

We probably got at least three inches of snow outside here, although I missed a good deal of the festivities due to my own exhaustion.

Let me just say, fourteen hours of sleep does not seem healthy, but it made me feel a lot better.

My Greatest Challenge Yet...

I had to know of course, that my six-month break to work on my relationship with God was not going to be easy...

Especially when I'm working and I'm a full-time student.

This past month has been physically and mentally exhausting, and I did not want to admit it to anyone.  My parents thought I was just staying up out of habit.  What they did not know was that I was genuinely doing schoolwork (and yet I've fallen behind due to several depressing weekends)

Well, this particular weekend marks a well-needed change, because I have something to be happy about.  My HOPE money is coming, so now I don't owe my Dad $2,000, and GCSU is still within my reach (oh, what am I saying?  I'm going there in August!!!)

God certainly has shown me how He can bless me this past week, so even losing hours at work could not bring me down (I'll shape up to earn more hours and for now I need the break anyway.)

So, two things are coming up in my life: one for next weekend and another for the weekend after that.  First, I've started exploring an outreach group at my school called Alpha Omega.  I checked out their church on Wednesday and I liked what I saw so I am going there again tomorrow.  God really did guide me straight to this group.  As far as Christian groups go, these guys and girls are some of the nicest folks I've ever met and had I not decided to go to the Haiti vigil a couple of weeks ago, they might not have found me.  The church is participating in a fellowship festival next weekend in Athens and I'm definitely in.

Second, while it is certainly not a vacation (but I am working on that because I need one after the semester's over) I am going backpacking in Cloudland Canyon the weekend after that with the Nature Bound Club at my school.  I don't know too many details on this one yet, but I managed to get a spot on the trip (there were only 9 spots) and I am very excited to get out of Metro Atlanta for the weekend.  There will be pictures!!!

The Super Archive of Poetry!!!

So I've gotten into the poetry spirit again!  But for time's sake I will start out by posting the previous poetry I have written:

Butterfly - 1.1.2008

A tiny thing crawls from a hole of nothingness

No life it's lived just yet, the first moments arrive

To this creature, who fails to understand, it is nothingness

Is this newborn babe even glad to be alive?

The thing grows into an awkward state of mind

Protection seems to have been broken, disaster awakes

The nature of the jungle is not always kind

The creature crawls in fright, in its loneliness and aches

The shell hardens, none are let in

And the once-ugly thing breaks out, beauty ensues

And yet, all troubles are forgiven

Survival and love is all the new creation views

All creatures on this Earth can feel this way

Yet despite our pains, our Savior will save the day

The Little Girl - 3.17.2008

I was too late, my ship has sailed

The hardest part is that I actually failed

I gaze at her picture, so young she seems

Perfect skin, perfect hair, her eyes so bright

Yet ten years later success is not but her dreams

There is no sun, she lives for the night

Why has life become so meaningless for her

Everything she touches, withers and dies

Back then, everything turned gold for her

She worked hard, but perhaps these were all lies

"I hate you!" the older girl screams at the little girl

The picture falls and breaks, a broken glass world

As if by magic, the girl's ghost rises from the pieces

The girl is bright and charming as she was ten years before

"Don't cry," she tells her older self, "You have no diseases."

"Maybe so," says I the elder, "But my despair is more."

"How?" asks the younger, who listens with care

"I don't really know," says the elder, "But I shamed you."

"If you shamed me," says the younger, "Why would I hear you share?"

"Because you're kind, unlike me, nothing anymore but sad dark blue."

"Doubtless untrue," says the little wise one

"But let me hear you until you are done."

So the older girl, an adult in the real world now

Begins her story, wondering about the little girl, how

"I was you once, lovely and free

A really hard worker, a girl on the way

I don't know where, but from what I can see

I fell down, and I was no longer okay

Nothing is right anymore in this world of mine

The girl of promise turned into a teen of black

Everyone around me used to think that I would shine

Now I'm just a laughing-class act

My life, so full of intelligence and promise

Turned to dust, without a blink of an eye

I still live, although I try to vanish from the world in mist

Living this life, with the supposed talent that's a lie

I miss my success, the love I felt

I miss the body I had, not weighed down by anguish

Brought on by all the bullshit I've been dealt

To go back, is all I want to wish

To be you again, that little girl of brilliance

But such a task is impossible I'm afraid

I am plain now, nothing spectacular with my presence

Do you see what I mean, you my dear, still have it made

Does anyone understand, does anyone care?

Few in this world really look behind the first glance

Those who know try, but the majority gives a stare

And I am still here crying, wishing for another chance."

The little girl sighs, the elder's story finished at last

Disheartened slightly, by the future she'll be cast

"STOP!!!"

She screams aloud, "Do not think of your life as over.

How old are you?  18?  Your life is still in its start.

Your prime has yet to come, it's not dead...never

God has created you to become his work of art

Smile for once, for real, love every tear you cry

Your future is coming, a good one so clear

One day elder you will fly

Don't you see?  The little girl you once were is still here!

God only made this pain for you so you wouldn't be spoiled

He would never give you something you could not handle my dear

But your beauty, talent, brains...all well-oiled

Soon you'll be on your own, away from home

Such a journey you'll be ready to take

It will be tough, and sometimes cold as stone

Your life will hurt, your bones will shake

But one day I promise, the pain you'll forgive

And then my older self, you'll finally live."

Then the little girl vanished, she had been there for awhile

And for the first time in years, on my face, a real smile

I thought I was too late, I thought I had failed

But the truth is, I was always on that ship that had sailed

Untitled - 3.17.2008

Waiting, does it ever truly end?

Anticipation passes, but then there's something new

And time seems to linger and ache

Yet passes as quickly as you can hit send

The clouds zoom past myriad shades of blue

Never stops, there is no room for a break

We, in general, want time to pass quick

When we want, we want now, no time to live

But where is out and where is in?

For the pace we fly is making us sick

Take time to live, to love, to give

Appreciate blessing and learn from each sin

Time, I'm afraid, can never stop

Some frozen in time and others not

Time marches on like a beating drum

Never growing backward is the farmer's crop

Age gets higher and higher, like a pot bubbling hot

Time could seem slower, with such as a bottle of rum

Yet life is fading constantly, each second, another done

Where my timer stops I cannot know

Yet wonder and merriment flies past us in an instant

While misery and sadness linger compared to fun

One should sit back, enjoy the show

This is your moment, one true chance at a stint

subLIMITal - 3.18.2008

God, creator of the Universe

Organized a life of beauty and talent

Drawn from nothing, a girl, fascinated but succumbed to a curse

Love seems to vanish, not but bullies and she, the ant

Over and over she falls, gets up again, and cries

Violent storms follow her every move

Everything turns for her into ugly flies

She wishes, prays for the storm to go away before her tomb

Heed not, for love will always prevail

Every cry He hears, He mourns your wail

Relax Dear Child, in my arms, I won't let you fail

Untitled - 3.19.2008

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 10

Should have started my homework earlier, but I don't know when

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 11

The ideal bedtime according to father, me sleeping well would be heaven

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 12

I rise to look up at my books on the shelf

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 1

Can't work, can't sleep...having too much fun

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 2

Anyone in my room sleeping? Well I don't know who!

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 3

The Sandman's here, Slumberland consumes me

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it fast-forwards to 6

Meh, forget it, I won't look my best today, for I need my sleep fix

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 7

Five more minutes, no more than eleven

"Tick Tock" says the clock as it strikes 8

I'm speeding to school, as shit I might be late

Dive Upwards - 3.19.2008

I can feel myself

Falling towards the sky

Where to I cannot know

But I'm asking to fly.

The higher I fall, the

Colder it becomes and

I am scared because I

Might drown in Cloudland.

I only wish that I knew

Where I was going but this

Desert is vast and grand and

Happiness cannot be given in a wish.

I chose this destiny when I

Dove upwards into a sea

Of stars.  My heart races as

I try to make a life for me.

It takes more strength to

Fall than to fly.  Set the bars

For one must only make sure

They're heading towards stars.

To rise, to fall, and

To be a saint or sin

All that I wonder is

Whether I'll lose or win.

This is how I know - 3.19.2008

A soul

A spirit inhabiting a body

A creation with its details and personal wonder

No two are exactly alike

Capable of whatever it can behold

This is how I know

A miracle

Set to die but lives on for years

Impossible, and yet it happens

Blind see, Deaf hear, Paralyzed walk

Work of Science?  Perhaps, and yet...

This is how I know

Something from nothing

Rising from nothingness

Amazing things all around us

To live, to die, to breathe

What I know is but a small sliver of all knowledge

This is how I know

Is it Wrong? - 4.21.2008

Is it wrong to be sad

To cry everywhere I go

Until all of the tears have left me?

The sorrows I have had

Mourned in pointless times of woe

Binding me until I set myself free.

Is it wrong to be angry

To yell until I'm blue in the face

And have broken several expensive glasses?

The pressure boiling within my needs

Consuming my calmness, my life, my space

Until the pot boils over and crashes.

Is it wrong to be happy

To live a life of joy

Despite the pain of others?

To squeal with cheers of glee

While the envious become coy

For my gladness over others

Is it wrong to envy

To want the thing of another

And have a face of green?

Such a sin is stated in books holy

And yet we all do this to each other

The perfect ordinary human remains to be seen

Is it wrong?

It could never be really

What we feel is what we feel

Expressed in every poem, story, or song

These are emotions, most lovely

This is what makes us real.

A New Chapter - 4.30.2008

A new dawn is coming

It's almost here

Trust it, seize it

It is coming clear

The end is never the end

For life is a circle

For this end of one part of your life

Gives way to a greater miracle

You came, cold and wet

Tears streaming down your face

Fear is unnecessary, do not mourn

You're in the right place

You've spent years in that shell

That cocoon, your safe-blanket so safe

Believe, believe harder, and never stop

You'll soon break free and you won't break away late

So fly as high as you can, and don't be afraid.

Acceptance - 7.9.2008

Let it be.

I'm your Chinese finger trap; the more you pull me, the more I won't cooperate.

Call it disrespect; I don't care.

You think you're doing the right thing, keeping me locked in a little cage of sorrow.

I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

I will not let myself become you.  You disappoint me more than anyone in the world.

Not because of your life, you have something that you made for yourself in your life.

It's the fact that you don't appreciate it.

You could have a better life, if you believed in it.

People made sacrifices for you and you don't appreciate them.

I think you want everyone to be miserable because you are.

You're an illness, a sickness, a darkness.

Your lack of faith is contagious; I can feel my soul blackening in your very presence.

I know the commandment, but do you know how hard you make it to follow?

I honor what you have done, but I refuse to accept this chain you've tried countless times to lock on my neck.

I won't become you; I will be better.  The life you live is truly meaningless because you make it so.

The fact that my faith is still here is a miracle in itself.

Let it be.

A Moment of Suspense - 9.23.2008

Crashing and burning, I watch in fright

Squirming and turning, it's quite a sight

Changing shape, I can hardly look

Seeing this scene, it's an open book

I am afraid for your life.

I feel like a mother, with a dying babe

And you are that babe, who I want saved

I pray that you'll make it, you cannot die

You're so young, please live for the sky

I am afraid for your life.

At last, I see it, you poke your head out

Your coffin is not so, I'm happy, I shout

So you come out, from that pile of things

And after a moment, you spread out your wings

I am happy for your life, sweet butterfly.

Confessions of an Insomniac - 10.2.2008

I'm a recovering insomniac, and I relapsed last night

Too much on my mind, no sleep in sight.

Tried everything, nothing lulled me to bed

'Til at least four in the morning, when I guess I cleared my head

I lived through, I made it through

Waking up was like murder, but I got through that too

I was scared, I was tired, didn't want to be late

To the class where, if I'm tardy, could doom my fate

I really sincerely hope, this doesn't start a trend

I like my sleep, a lot, I might add

But there is one good thing, about my tired sight

Oh my, dear friend, I will really sleep tonight.

Fads - 11.18.2008

I like what I like

And I'll admit if I think a fad is bad

They tell me to "Take a hike"

All this because of a fad?

Why is it so wrong for me

To dislike something that is popular?

The perception of what I see

Most think I'm wrong by far

I call it silly

They call it genius

I laugh long and loudly

They all look at me in disgust

They say I don't appreciate

But they should know I do

I just know when something looks fake

They look at me and coo

I really don't particularly care

I will not go for fads I dislike

And even if most stare

Someone agrees, and we'll say "Take a hike"

So that's it!  All the poems I've written in the past two years.  Obviously, I need to start writing again, but which one is your favorite?  =)

So...

I'm feeling a lot better now, although it took a lot of pain for me to get to this point.  Tuesday was almost a day of reckoning for me, but I feel a lot better now and I realize that I just have to keep on top of everything in my life and have plans and be super super careful.

When the going gets tough...

I broke...and I'm paying dearly for it.

I shouldn't have done it.  I should've known better than to try to back down the driveway while in tears.

Fortunately, the sister and I can both still drive our cars.

I need a plan.  I need a way out of here.

-Jenn

10 Days...

So, I am 10 days into the New Year, and while this week was pretty rocky, it's only the beginning of the year and there is plenty of room to recover...

On the bright side, despite the fact that practically four out of five people said that the AZ Cardinals were doomed to be pulverized by the Packers, in an amazing record-breaking game that went into overtime my beloved Cardinals emerged victorious (who says they can't defy the odds?) ...Now they head off to New Orleans next week to play the Saints, and everybody is betting on the Saints.  I'm hoping the Cardinals defy the odds again, but we'll all just have to wait and see.

=)